When I first started up Ultimate Boob Wars I had expected just another hentai game with the same token characters, rehashed plots and gratuitous usage of tentacles. Ultimate Boob Wars: Big Breasts vs Flat Chests however took these tropes and redefined how we approach women in gaming. You may feel that with a title so provocative and obscene that surely it would be incapable of making even the slightest of intellectual impact. You would be wrong, for behind the iconic title a deep and emotionally engaging story is being told.
The world of Bustchest, a land divided by the anger of gods, a land where mastophobia and xenophobia run rampant. The divided clans of large breasts and flat chests had kept an uneasy peace for thousands of years until their homelands were forcefully pushed together. The only way to stop the oncoming war is you and your love of breasts, no matter their shape, nor their size.
This may sound like a typical fantasy affair but Ultimate Boob Wars focuses more on the character’s sacrifice and their interactions with each other. It may not delve into the same pool as Mass Effect in terms of dialogue choice but there is a certain satisfaction to be gained from knowing just what role you are expected to take. I did not entirely like my character when first introduced to him. He appeared insensitive and self obsessed, but as we learned of his backstory we come to like and, even, relate to the protagonist. His insatiable need for breasts is both a blessing to the land of Bustchest and a curse upon himself as he would surely die if not within the presence of magnificent mammaries for any more than a few days. Valiantly, the hero and I took up the mantle and began our quest to search the land collecting “Boob Energy”.
Standardisation of Story and Character
For those of you who would decry Ultimate Boob Wars as shallow or stupid. I quote Stephen King.
You must not come lightly to the blank page. Precisely what Ultimate Boob Wars is fighting against. Too often are we restricted by the subject matter of video games, told what can and can’t be made into a story. The story of Bustchest is one of wonder, destiny and boobs. I ask you, why shouldn’t our epic sagas have breasts?
Ultimate Boob Wars pretends to be purely about male wish fulfilment but with such a focus on breasts it is difficult to miss the subtext. The large breast clan, with their strong warriors and workers show a strength that is often overlooked in large breasted women. The ability to carry such a weight without complaint requires strength, a strength that is often forgotten when it comes to designing female characters. A warrior woman in a game is not allowed to have large breasts because the image has been tainted but Ultimate Boob Wars seeks to rectify this. By creating strong, endowed women it may just be one of the first games to attempt it.
On the other side of the spectrum we have the flat chest clan; intelligent defenders of knowledge. Yet another physique often overlooked by so called ‘inclusive’ AAA titles. Less represented than their average or large counterparts, the flat chests are insulted if included. Why? Surely the flat chested minority deserves representation as well?
It takes a brave developer to make an earnest attempt at bringing the plight of ‘non-standard’ breast sized females to the market. In a world where even Lara Croft isn’t safe from the ‘Standard Breast Size Act™” how many developers are going to take the risk? It is time we stood up for our non-standard chested female-orientated players.
The Subtle Role of Breasts in Gaming
As I mentioned previously, the character is unable to survive more than a few days without breasts. The developer has subtly made yet another scathing remark about the state of the game’s industry. How often have you been playing a crappy game, just about to turn it off when suddenly; BREASTS!?
“Too often” is my answer and Ultimate Boob Wars agrees. We are often duped into pouring more hours into a terrible game by the clever manipulation of our base desires. Too often are female characters used as eye-candy; as treats to be glimpsed at in reward for playing. I asked around various social media sites, “How often are you tricked into playing a game by the promise of breasts?” and the overwhelming response was:
I thought hard about why this was allowed to continue, I asked friends in the industry and the truth is more shocking than you’d imagine. Through hours of research, breaking of codes and some less than ethical hacking it turns out that nearly every major publisher is a tit; an actual disembodied breast.
Ultimate Boob Wars was just the first step down the rabbit hole.
I dug further, got the help of a few friends I could trust and we ventured down together. It appears that the breasts took over sometime around the dawn of the seventh generation (PS3, Xbox 360) and quickly overthrew the high ranking members of Capcom, Ubisoft and Blizzard amongst others. Apparently their self-obsession leaked into the intellectual properties. One developer who wishes to remain anonymous said;
“They kept yelling in that disembodied way: ‘less character, more breast’. We argued that the character wasn’t like that but they threatened us. We had to give them perky D-cup breasts or…”
(The interviewee requested the rest not be made public.)
How Can I Stop This?
The only way to stop this standardisation of breasts and repression of female characters is to stand up to these tits and demand characters with varying personalities and physiques. Make your voice heard in the comments of video game trailers and on news articles. Write angry letters, not emails, actual letters and deliver them by hand. Kidnap game developers and force them to write:
“I will not create sub-par female characters.” a thousand times.
If you really must play Ultimate Boob Wars it is available from mangagamer for $45.