99 Floors – Always Sometimes Bombs

No one has managed to beat the game since it has been released, so a cash prize has been set up (roughly 30% of the games earnings) that will be awarded to the first confirmed winner.

That is a sure fire way to get practically anyone to buy your game, especially if they consider themselves any good. At the time of writing the grand prize is just shy of $1200 (~£890). Think of it like the plot to Ready Player One except 2D…

And shit.

And I hate having to be that reviewer but I can’t find any aspect of 99 Floors that I can recommend.

Taken from the store page. Thanks to a certain je ne sais pas, I never got this far.

The game starts in a tiny 300 x 300 box, maximising the window really shows just how lacking the textures and characters are and feels somehow slower and clunkier. And just to make a bad impression worse, there is an obnoxious flashing screen when you go between menu options and the grating sound effects turn back on every time. Great!

The game features unlockable characters but limits you to Boy or Girl until you grind those coins. Oh, and the Boy is stronger than the girl in both health and damage which are the only two stats that really matter as the game throws a literal rat flood at you for the first 5 levels and thanks to the aforementioned clunkiness, you will get hit. Alot.

I had already gotten a bad impression from the moment 99 Floors arrived on my doorstep. It’s the digital equivalent of a classic grifter showing up to take your daughter to prom. And as much as I hate saying it because it makes me feel like the stereotypical grumpy dad; first impressions matter. But I’m willing to look beyond that.

Unfortunately my altruism was not warranted. Everything in 99 Floors looks like it was downloaded from google images* and badly cropped as a thick white border surrounds the character and every object, trap, enemy, and item. And when I said it looks like a college project, it plays like one too.

*The credits do admit the images were bought or taken from royalty free sources, which is fine. I’m all for store bought assets but the crop job and general low quality is inexcusable.

In an attempt to mimic retro NES design 99 Floors limits the controls to the cursor keys, Z, and X. And perhaps in that same attempt, but much more likely due to dodgy input code, they have hampered your ability to move and fight at the same time. Often I’ll be trying to do a rising attack for several seconds before my character picks up on the command and by that time I’ve already lost a heart because a rodent tidal wave hit me. And woe-be-tide you who try to wall jump. Most of the time the character slides down the wall, grinding their face against the stone because they didn’t get enough lateral movement to actually be counted as intersecting. And just because it’s annoying enough to mention, there is no keyboard control in menus, you have to switch back to mouse for that you entitled millennial.

Windows Magnifying Glass recommended

So, visually its unappealing, the combat amounts to nothing more than trying to time your attacks right but resorting to spamming because of the literal hordes, and there are sometimes bombs that spawn on your position for seemingly no reason. 

There are collectables that spawn at random. Background objects like barrels and rocks are just set decoration and don’t get in your way even though they look like they should. And there’s no design to the levels as its all procedurally generated.

And I can’t be believe I have to say this but it’s true; I wouldn’t play this if you paid me.

99 Floors can be found on Itch.io HERE

  • Luke Pow

    AND I can’t believe I have to say this but it’s true; too bad 99Floors made in two weeks what you probably do in a year . Thanks for the review – there is no such thing as bad publicity right? 😉

    • http://www.blackwellwrites.com Anna Blackwell

      And hey, congratulations on that. Has anyone won the prize yet?